A young child favoring one parent over the other is not uncommon. Toddler favoritism is when a toddler prefers one caregiver to look after them, help them with tasks, or to spend time with. There is nothing wrong with this, it is a short-term stage in toddler development. Toddler favoritism may look like defiance, it can be forceful and lead to tantrums or physical resistance. This is usually a temporary stage in your child’s development. Favoritism can change at any time. It is normal for children to prioritize their relationships, in a sort of hierarchy.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with toddler favoritism is that favoritism does not equal love. Them choosing one parent over the other does not mean they love one parent more than the other. The favoritism comes from the child feeling more familiar with one parent than the other. Familiarity for a child can signify safety. The same way a child likes to watch the same tv episode over and over again because it feels safe and predictable. A child will reach for a child that they know will react to them predictably. One parent whether they are aware of it or not may have made themselves more physically or emotionally available to the child. It also means that one parent is more predictable than the other. Favoritism can also be a way that a child can assert their independence or their right to choose. Favoritism does not have to be just between parents, it can be between anyone who cares for your child.
If you find yourself as the favored parent it can be just as difficult as the unfavored parent. The favored parent may feel guilty for causing their child to become too attached. Do not feel guilty. This is just part of your child’s development. Take heart that they find you predictable and familiar to them. It can be exhausting to have your child to demand you to help them with every aspect. Usually done loudly. If you are a stay at home mother and have cared for them all day, to finally have someone else to help with at the end of the day, just for your child to demand it is still disheartening and exhausting. One thing to try is to make time where you can leave. Leaving can allow the child to only be able to rely on the other parent. This can help them show the child they are able to complete tasks just the same way you are. Set limits and boundaries with your child. If they demand you do bedtime, you can do half of bedtime, and allow the other parent to do some tasks as well. It is important to allow the other parent to do tasks as well. Engage in activities the whole family can join in. This can help your child know that they can have multiple people they can ask for help from. When your child is engaged with the other parent, fade back in the shadows. Praise your spouse or partner in front of your child, speak kindly and nicely in front of your child.
The goal of the unfavored parent is to try and not take it personally. Remember being the favorite does not mean they are more loved. It is also important to not resent your spouse if they are the favorite parent. It is good your child has someone they know they can always rely on. When your child demands the other parent, don’t be reactive. Your child will pick up on your facial expressions and your posture. Try not to be hurt when they ask for the other parent. Respect your child’s preference. The other parent may be more familiar to them, and familiarity signifies safety. When the other parent isn’t available, speak kindly to your child and calmly. Let them know the other parent isn’t available but you are able to help them if they still want help. Establish some things your child and you can do together. This can be an activity, an errand, or an outing that is just special between you two. This one on one time can help your child learn to rely on you.
Toddler favoritism is very common. It usually is temporary and can change from one day to the next. Favoritism does not just have to be with parents but can be with any caregivers that take care of the child. Many things can factor into favoritism such as age, personalities, experiences, temperament, and differences in caregiving responsibilities. It can be frustrating and exhausting for all parties. Try not to take it personally.
A young child favoring one parent over the other is a survival tactic and very common! #HealthSurgeon
Sources:
https://anchorlighttherapy.com/child-overly-attached-to-one-parent/#:~:text=Yes%2C%20it%20is%20entirely%20normal,rest%20of%20the%20day%2C%20etc.
https://huckleberrycare.com/blog/toddler-favoritism
https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/behavioral/favoring-one-parent/
https://tinybeans.com/toddler-prefers-one-parent/
