Highly Sensitive Children

Around the age of 5 or 6 children’s tantrums should start to decline, or even disappear completely. This is around the age that children learn to manage their emotions in a less extreme manner. If you notice that your child still has meltdowns or extremely large emotions and feelings you may have a highly sensitive child. About 15-20% of children are highly sensitive. This is how their nervous system is wired to process and respond more deeply. Children who are highly sensitive are more attuned to their environment, experiences, relationships and expectations.

Highly sensitive children (HSC) have a few traits or signs. Not all children who are highly sensitive will display all these traits, but they may have a few. All highly sensitive children are different and so your child’s signs or traits will be different from another child’s. Highly sensitive children are fierce, determined, passionate, insightful and empathetic. Not all of these are bad traits. Highly sensitive kids will be more attuned to how other people are feeling which can make them more caring and compassionate. This also tends to help them be more insightful to what is happening around them.

One of the big signs of a highly sensitive child is that they are big reactors. This can be even over small things that seem inconsequential. During these big meltdowns you child may kick, scream, cry hit or throw things. During these meltdowns you child may also make irrational exclamations. If their sibling was sitting on mom’s lap, but they wanted to and mom said no, here comes the meltdown. The child may scream that they NEVER get to sit on mom’s lap, when in reality this is farthest from the truth. High sensitive children are prone to meltdowns because they feel stress more quickly. Children who are highly sensitive also have a lower frustration tolerance. They can give up too easily when something becomes too hard. They also will not have a very long fuse to try and make something right if it isn’t going how they thought it should.

Highly sensitive children usually are very particular in how things are done, feel, organized, or managed. This may even be to the point that only one parent can help them do something, for fear of the other parent not doing it how they like. This can cause them to feel the need for control, to be rigid or inflexible. Irrational demands may happen such as telling mom that she is only allowed to wear her hair up and gets angry if her hair is down. Dictating is common, telling people where to sit, what to do or how to play. These are all coping mechanisms of feeling like they are completely out of control.

Highly sensitive children may also be more sensitive to sensory input. This includes sight, sounds, tastes, smells and textures. They may be out of sorts if their soft shirt they love isn’t washed form them to wear. Or they can’t handle wearing clothing made out of certain materials. Highly sensitive children may turn their noses up to foods that have a strong taste. Strong smells may put them completely out of sorts where they can’t focus on anything else but the smell. Public bathrooms may be considered scary with the loud flushing and hand blow dryers going off.

Highly sensitive children may also be more fearful or cautious about new situations or new people. These children will cling to their comfort zone instead of wanting to try something new. This can cause some children to not want to do extracurricular activities that they love because they prefer to be in their house where they know they are safe. For these children it is usually harder for them to separate from their parents. They rather stay with their safe people as well in their comfort zone. This can mean starting preschool or kindergarten for these children it takes them longer to adapt.

Highly sensitive children also struggle with being corrected. They take things extremely personally. This can mean they don’t understand teasing or take teasing too seriously that they can become hurt from it. They can tend to be perfectionists as well.

High sensitivity is your child’s temperament and disposition. They won’t outgrow this, but with the right guidance and help they will learn how to better manage their emotions. As a parent it can feel overwhelming with a child who feels so deeply. There are some things you can learn to do to help your child manage their feelings and respond in appropriate ways. A big thing to help your child do is learnt to separate feelings and behaviors. They can be sad or mad about a situation, but that doesn’t mean it is OK to hit, punch, or throw a bit fit. When you are feeling a certain way you can verbalize it to them, and then show them how you handle feeling that way. For example if you are angry and a way you like to calm down is to take a walk you can tell them when something makes you angry and you are going on a walk to calm down. This helps them name emotions as well as shows them appropriate ways to handle that emotion.

It is important as the parent to manage your own expectations. you have a highly sensitive child, they will respond in big ways. That does not mean you are failing as a parent. You cannot prevent every single one of their meltdowns. They are learning to respond to their emotions. You are doing a good job. Don’t take it when you child lashes out at you during a meltdown personally. They are saying things in anger, fear or distress, it is not truthful. Then try not react to their meltdowns with big emotions. Big emotions on top of big emotions are usually not helpful. It can prolong your child’s meltdown instead of helping them to calm down. Try to stay peaceful and calm until your child calms down. Once your child is calm is when you can approach them to tell them that was not an appropriate response. During a meltdown your child will not heart anything you tell them, they are just seeing red. When going to a new place or situation verbalizing expectations can also help your child know how they are supposed to behave and may help minimize big reactions. Trying to remain calm and not be reactive is important when you have a child that is highly sensitive.